I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
