I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
