saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Someone shattered a urinal.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
