You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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