Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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