We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
