I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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