Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
