"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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