So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
