I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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