Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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