that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
