Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
