Duck Duck Cougar?
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
