filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
