we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
