I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
