Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
