how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
3 2 1 whiskey
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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