yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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