On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
