This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
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I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
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The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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