i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
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Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
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Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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