Pants 0. Shit 1.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
as a side note pls kill me
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