i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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