I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
