life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
