Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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