Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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