Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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