If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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