he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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