i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
