i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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