first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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