Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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