Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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