Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Found the puke drawer
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
