I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
