you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
