I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
