So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
