What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
my mouth tastes like poor choices
lets start a swedish sibling band together
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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