If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
