Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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