Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
