How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
