You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
