the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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