Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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