I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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