I will die if light touches me.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
