Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
