if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
