Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
