did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
