Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
