There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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