Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
