I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
