hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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